Hate Me
by KSUnsungHero
Summary: He was about to take away that smile and he hated himself for it. And when tonight was over, she’d hate him too. Good.


Hate Me

A/N: I don't own anything.

Spoilers: Season Seven—barely

Lyrics: Blue October's "Hate Me"

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

The sidewalk is crowded with pedestrians but he's never felt so alone. His mind is racing with what is yet to come. The hardest decision he's ever had to make will come soon and he's not ready; not ready to give up so many years together. He knows it will break her heart because it's already broken his.

As he nears the restaurant, he slows his pace. He tentatively grasps the cool handle. He squints as he tries to make out the diners inside through the fog on the glass. He shouldn't have dragged her out in the cold but he had to do it in person and before he lost the nerve.

He hears someone clear their throat and realizes he's been standing there, blocking the door for more than a few seconds. He utters a muffled apology through the collar of his coat and steps aside, willing himself to take the few steps and cross the threshold of the doors. How was he supposed to follow through with his plan if he couldn't even get to the point where he could meet with her? He was the one who asked her to come; not the other way around. He took a few calming breaths and slid through the door behind a young couple. _Now or never, Stabler. It's for her own good._

He scanned the seating area, looking for the familiar locks of hair. They all looked the same in the dim lighting. He started to take out his phone, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Olivia.

"I thought you were standing me up, El." She gave him that thousand-watt smile that suddenly seemed to light up the room. She was happy. Knowing that was like a punch to his gut and the blow she was about to receive from him would be that much harder to deliver. He'd seen her broken, lost, confused, hurt, and a thousand other things but lately she seemed to be able to rebound from the difficult ones they saw day in and day out. He wanted her to be free; that's why he'd asked her to meet him there. He wanted her to fly and not be held back. They'd been through everything together. They were joined at the hip at times and ever since she came back he'd been on cloud nine. It was only a matter of time, though, until the demons in his head reared their ugly faces. He had to end it before that happened. In order to help her, he had to destroy her.

He saw her face take on a look of confusion and he realized he'd been lost; in more ways than one. He sighed heavily for what he was about to do. She led him to a table near the back by the piano. Through the haze in his brain he remembered his manners. He pulled out her chair and watched her sit before doing the same. She grinned and he felt his heart plummet. He was about to take away that smile and he hated himself for it. And when tonight was over, she'd hate him too. _Good._

_Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

The bench to the piano was empty and he was glad for that. The soft music playing in the background was enough to make their conversation private. It wasn't too loud nor was it too quiet. There would be no mistaking his words. If only he knew how to say them. His stomach churned and he fought the urge to run to the bathroom. She was speaking again and he was ignoring her. She was catching on.

"Elliot, what's wrong? You've spaced out on me twice in the last five minutes." She pried the fork from his clenched fist. He hadn't realized he was holding it. He was nervous and she sensed that. She placed her hands in his and it was nearly his undoing. He felt a slight squeeze and looked up. He'd been staring at their joined hands. If he stared at them long enough he could remember them forever; long after he saw her for the last time. It would be the one thing he could figuratively hold onto.

He'd heard once that taking deep breaths can be calming. He'd tried it in situations where he needed the extra boost of strength. Like those times, tonight was no different. He still felt anxious and he was scaring her. Her face went from confusion to fright in a matter of seconds. He could see the wetness beginning to pool behind her eyes. It was starting.

"Uh...I…we…this isn't working." He blurted out the first thing that came, deciding that if he just said something he would have a little time to think of something else. He racked his brain for something to back up his statement. They were working, though, that was the problem. They were becoming partners again and they were back to their old selves. That was the issue. He couldn't let them. He couldn't let them go down that road again and do nothing to stop it. He couldn't let her get close and then have it all go down in flames because of him.

"Wh…I…is it something I did? I thought we were okay." She pulled her hands from his and stared at him with a bewildered expression. The tears kept pooling and it was no wonder there weren't enough to fall yet. They kept building and it was only a matter of time before they would. She started to breathe heavily, overcome with emotion. In her head, it had been perfect. They were Stabler and Benson again. She had no idea where it was coming from.

"It's not you. God it's not you. It's me. It's all me. It's always me, Liv. I've always been the one to screw us up and I just…I can't let it happen again. When you came back, I was so happy that you were sitting across from me once again. You get it. You get me and all my quarks. You get when I need to be pissed off at the world and let it all out but I don't want to. I don't want to be that person that you have to come rescue. I don't want you to rescue me, Olivia. I want you to save yourself; from me." He'd been keeping an eye on her while he gave his speech. It all came out so fast he wasn't sure what he was saying.

He could tell by her reaction that she was upset. She wasn't angry, though. He wanted her to be angry with him. He wanted her to loathe him and tell him to never call her because then it would make it that much easier.

"It's by choice that I am your partner. I came back because of you. How can you not see that?" Her control over her emotions is slipping and her hands begin to shake. Her chin trembles along with her quivering lips. She closes her eyes and lets her mind take her to a place somewhere other than a restaurant where he is telling her to leave. She squeezes her eyes shut in a vain attempt to keep the moisture from slipping through. It was building, begging for release.

"I know that. I am making the choice now, though, for us. For you. I can't hurt you again. I pushed you away so many times in the past and you were always there to pick me up in one way or another. You saved me from myself so many times when I put you in my line of fire. You readily accepted everything I threw at you when you should have told me to knock it off. I don't like the person I am when I get that way and I don't want to weigh you down. I'm doing this for you." He stills her shaking hands with his and she doesn't pull away. He knows she is beyond the point where she can calm her nerves. Every emotion she is feeling is coming to the surface and she can no longer hold it all in. A lone tear slips down her cheek. More follow and suddenly her eyes take on that look. _Anger._

_Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"_

"You son of a…how dare you…save me? You want to save me, you take it all back. Say this is some sick, twisted joke and you're kidding. This is a joke, Elliot. It's…it's a joke. Please don't do this to me. Don't…damnit!" She shakes her head. In disbelief and as a way to clear her thoughts. She was crying and she was angry that he brought her to that point. She'd tried so hard all her life to hold her emotions in and in one foul swoop he'd taken away her ability to hold them in. She jerks her hands from his once more and abruptly stands. She angrily swipes at the tears as they fall without resistance.

People were starting to stare. A few shot him glares, which he readily accepted. He knew what it would do to her. It would break her and it did. She tried so hard to keep her emotions in check. He knew she was angry with herself for being weak but to him she was so strong. She was strong enough for both of them and that's why it had to end. One day she would look out for him one too many times and she'd lose herself. He stood up as she started to walk away. He wanted her to leave but he was so inclined to follow her. She was in an altered state of mind and not thinking clearly. She would leave upset and angry and she was a target. Because of him; he'd made her that way.

She unzipped her coat and tore out of the restaurant. In her haste to find out what was wrong with him, she realized they were both still bundled up to battle the winter chill. She was hot, though. She couldn't get cool. She clawed at the sleeves of her coat with shaking fingers and pulled it off before throwing it to the ground. If anyone noticed the emotional, crazed woman on the sidewalk, no one made any indication.

He followed her and hastily picked up her forgotten coat. He'd passed a bank sign a block back. Forget the temperature. The wind chill was ten below. He was shaking slightly due to the breeze that whipped the arctic air into the city. He jogged slightly to catch up to her retreating form. She should have been freezing cold after what he'd done to her. He snaked an around her waist and pull until she could no longer move forward. She whipped around and started to beat on his chest. She was too drained to put any power behind the blows. The look in her eyes nearly brought him down for the count.

She gave up the fight and her knees grew weak. Her life had been going so well. In a matter of minutes, it had been brought to a screeching halt. Without Elliot, she wasn't sure she could go on. Her descent toward the hard concrete was slowed by strong arms. The same arms that had pushed her away in the past were now cradling her, protecting her from her fall. The fall he'd caused.

He felt the energy drain from her body and caught her before she hit the pavement. People walked around them, not stopping to see if they were okay. He lowered to the ground and clutched her to his body, shielding her. From what, he didn't know. He'd already caused more damage than anything could have caused. She was beyond repair. He wanted to go back in time and he wanted to stop himself from picking up the phone. From calling her to meet him so that he could break her heart and soul. His was breaking at the sight of her clinging to him; to the one person that could make it all better. She'd come back to him and he'd sent her away. _What have I done? _

She lay in his arms as he rocked her. She swayed with each back-and-forth motion, letting it lull her into a light slumber. She didn't want to sleep, though. She wanted to wake up because either way he still wanted her to leave. He was murmuring words into her ear and she could feel his cold lips on her temple. She turned her body and looked up at him through half-lidded eyes.

He gazed down at her, into her sleepy orbs. She was clinging to consciousness, having spent her energy on trying to get away from him. He felt a shiver as a cold gust reminded him again that he needed to get them inside somewhere warm. He slid back on the ground and held her up while he got his feet under him. He pushed with his hands as he stood, bringing her up with him. Somehow he was still holding onto her coat and he tried to wrap it around her shoulders. She shrugged it off, wanting nothing to do with it.

She let him lead her to a waiting taxi and mutely got in. She was numb. From the cold and from the evening's events. She felt the seat dip as he slid in beside her before shutting the door. She couldn't hear what street he'd given the driver.

He wasn't sure where to take her. Ironically, he didn't want her to be alone. He rattled off where he wanted to go and turned to her. She was leaning her head against the cold glass. He couldn't tell whether she was awake or asleep. He inched closer until his knee touched the back of her leg. She was shaking. He rubbed her right arm, trying to get some warmth into her frigid body. She was ice cold under her sweater. He'd never seen that one before.

She became aware of him being so close when she felt the contact. Little bursts of heat spread through her arm as he created friction. She watched as the cars flew by on the other side of the road. She reached her hand out and set it on the seat beside her. She wasn't ready to miss him yet and she felt his hands move from her forearm.

He picked up her hand and nearly dropped it. A chill went through him, brought on by the iciness of her body temperature. Her hands were always cold to begin with. He rubbed his hands over hers, creating the contact they both so desperately needed. He leaned against her, enveloping her in a blanket of his body heat. He wrapped one arm his arms around her and found her other hand as he hugged her from behind. He rested his chin on her shoulder and whispered his apology; the words he'd been telling her in his head all night, even before he'd stepped foot inside the restaurant. _I'm so sorry._

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"_

She heard the words as they made their way into her mind. She'd always hear them. She couldn't remember the last time he'd said them to her. He sounded so different. She saw the cars outside the window slow to a stop as the cab reached its destination. Elliot's place.

He let go of her and paid the driver before reaching around her to open the door. He ushered her out of the cab and shut the door behind him. He put his hand on the small of her back, letting her know he was still there. He watched her walk up the steps, not wanting to take his eyes off her.

She entered the building and didn't say a word as she walked up the steps and down the hall to his door. She heard the jingle of his keys. She moved to the side so he could get to the door. She didn't move from her spot once he unlocked it and went inside. It was too final. After she left his apartment, it would be for good. She didn't want it to end. She didn't want anything to end. The night; their friendship.

He turned around when he didn't hear the door close. He saw her still standing by the doorway. He walked back and tried to think of the words that would allow her to be able to trust him. She looked so defeated. He thought of the one thing that would make it okay. For now. He turned around again and went back down the hall and into the kitchen.

She saw him return to the doorway then retreat back down the hall. She could hear the cupboard being opened and shut once again. The sound of running water came next. The many nights they'd spent working on long cases had lead to moments like these. Even in the squad room, all it took was one steamy cup. She would be sitting at her desk, pondering what was so wrong with society. She would be going over the details of the file in front of her with sheer exhaustion. It would be hour fourteen and they would be nowhere in the investigation. She would be ready to drop and out of nowhere, he would come into her line of vision, cup in hand, to make it all better. Just like then, he knew what she needed. She smiled slightly, something she didn't think she'd ever be able to do again after the night was over with. She stepped inside and shut the door.

"Coffee will be ready in a minute." He glanced around the corner and saw her lips turn up. Baby steps. He turned on the machine and waited until it started before he turned back to the doorway. She was making her way to the kitchen. He greeted her by holding his arms out.

"Smells great. Can't wait 'til it's done." She took in a deep breath of the soothing scent. It always calmed her nerves before it even hit her pallet. She stepped into his familiar embrace as if nothing had transpired. She could feel him drawing circles on the back of her shirt.

He eased back a little, bringing her with him so that he could pour the coffee. Straight black tonight. Pure, just like their raw emotions. He let go of her and they made their way to the living room to sit on the couch. He set his cup on the table to cool and took hers from her hands to do the same. He turned to look at her as she started to speak.

"I want us to be friends. If you don't want…if you need to distance yourself from me, then do what you have to do. Just please don't shut me out completely. I need you in my life, Elliot." She felt tears begin again. She didn't know she had any left to cry. She saw him reach out and cup her face in his hands. They were still hot from the heat of the coffee and it warmed her still cold face.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't stand to see that look on your face. It kills me to know that I put it there. I thought it would make it all better if I ended this but I can't, for the life of me, leave you like that. I get so angry and I don't know what to do with myself when I get that way. And then I get so pissed off because I take it out on you and I don't want to do that. I need help, Liv. I need help to make it all go away. I don't know how you put up with me for so long when I know you've needed me to be there for you. You see the same things I do. I don't know how you do it." He wiped away her tears with his thumbs and kissed her forehead.

"I know with Kathy you couldn't talk to her. She wouldn't understand and you don't want to burden people on the outside with stuff we see every day. No one should have to think about that. You help me get through it all. I get so lost and I know I get quiet and then I'll lash out because I don't know how to deal with myself, either. I'm as angry and as hurt as you are. I need you to get me through it, though. I need this. I need coffee and to be able to sit down and talk. And I need for you to do the same. Get angry. Get pissed off and get mad because life sucks, Elliot. But come to me, please. I can't stand you pushing me away and I sure can't stand another night like tonight. If we can't be partners, please come to me. I care about you." She reached up and took his hands in hers.

He saw in her eyes the hope that they could be friends. He saw the sadness, hurt, and finally the acceptance that they couldn't be partners. God love her, she understood his need to be away from her so that he wouldn't hurt her anymore. Where was she all his life? He simply nodded, unable to say anything else at the moment. He reached out and blew on her cup of coffee before handing it back to her. He watched her close her eyes after she took a sip. _It worked. _

_In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight_

She thought of all the times he'd been drunk after a case. He hadn't come to her. Instead, he had turned to his empty apartment and a six-pack. She'd call to make sure he was okay and would rush all the way over when he didn't answer. She remembered holding him as got sick from too much. She tried so hard to help him. She had her own demons, though. They were quiet a pair.

He saw the look cross her face from bliss to hurt and he knew what she was thinking of. He'd fought her tooth and nail the first time she hauled him out of a bar in a drunken stupor. The many times after when he drank at home instead just so the bartender wouldn't call her, when he knew she just wanted to know he was okay. He wasn't okay, though, and he knew she wasn't either. She'd helped him so many times, whether she knew it or not. Just being there on the front lines with him to venture where he didn't even want to go himself. He loved her for it. He really did. He nudged her with his elbow lightly and watched her open her eyes. She didn't smile.

She frowned when she felt him bump her. She opened her eyes and saw his understanding. He knew what was going on in her head and he, too, was replaying all those times she came to him to help solve his problems. Just having him know how much she wanted to be there for him and that she did it because she cared meant the world to her. She tried to hide it but soon she felt the tug at the corners of her mouth.

He got the desired reaction and met her toothy grin. He wrapped one arm around her and she put her cup down. She was still cool and he reached behind him to cover her with a blanket. He then realized he'd forgotten her coat in the taxi. He knew she'd need it when she went home but he couldn't think of that just yet. He didn't want her to leave. He wanted her to stay forever and as more than a friend. His emotions, be damned, he wanted her as a partner. He looked into her eyes, silently asking for permission to forget the whole night ever happened.

He asked with his heart and soul for her to take him back. More importantly, he wanted for her to excuse his actions for what they were—insanity. Insanity from being so scared of hurting her that he broke her heart and left behind a shattered shell of a human being. He'd somehow managed to literally pick her back up and put her back together and he swore to himself over and over on the way back that he'd never do it again. And if she forgave him and they could go back to the way they were, then he would do anything in his power to make her happy. He'd talk to her a hundred times a day if it meant he'd never have to see her hurt. He'd ask about how she was feeling, knowing she experienced the same things he did and she, too, needed to talk. Most of all, he'd be there and he'd let her be there for him. He stared at her, willing her to say the words. The words that would make it all better once again. The words that would erase the past two hours. _Forgive me. Please don't hate me._

She knew what he needed to hear. She simply nodded and was so overcome with emotion she was forced to mouth the words. His reaction brought tears to her eyes once again. She didn't need forgive him now, because she already had. When he rocked her on the sidewalk to soothe her of his hurtful actions, she had already forgiven him. When he tried to put her coat over her to keep her warm, she'd already forgiven him. And when he offered her coffee because he was at a loss of what else to do, she'd already forgiven him. She wrapped the blanket tighter around her body. She needed a new coat. It could wait, though. She had no plans to go anywhere. Not tonight. Not ever.

Finis


End file.
